- By Adetutu Oshofowora
This is a subject I’ve tried to avoid for long but it’s been strong on my mind lately so I want to share my mind about it. Today I want to speak on widowhood and moving on. This is not exhaustive, just sharing my thoughts on key issues.
Let me first start by saying that it’s a terrible thing to lose a spouse, especially a good one and particularly when still young. It’s a life altering event, and no one can boldly say he/she knows how you feel except the person has been there. So to all widows and widowers out there I say it is well with you, my God will comfort and uphold you, He will strengthen you with grace and Help you by his mercy and He will settle you in Jesus name. Now, I’ll be addressing the various players involved in this issue cause I think if the perspective of everyone involved is aligned, it will help. Today I want to rub mind with the widow/ widower themselves.
- TO THE WIDOW/ Widower:
Dear Brother and sister. There is nothing wrong in moving on and desiring to settle down again with another person when you are ready. Grieve, cry and mourn for the lost loved one, heal from the pains etc which will take different time frames depending on individual nature but listen to me, ITS OK TO MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE WITH ANOTHER PERSON. It’s not right to bury your life, future and destiny with the loved one who died. You see, if that person truly loves you, he/she will not expect you to build an eternal, self limiting monument around their memory. Saying I will never marry again sounds like a good, faithful and loyal attestation to your lost love but it’s not the only or best option.
Don’t get me wrong please, if the above is your decision, I respect it but be sure it’s coming from the right mindset. It shouldn’t be because of the following reasons:
- you want to prove to your lost love that you will remain faithful to him/her forever. This is not necessary because your loved one if truly he/she loves you while they were alive do not need you to prove such a point, when someone loves you, he/she wants you to be happy not miserable, he/she won’t tie you down, love sets free.
- Let it not also be because of the strange idea that your kids (if there are already kids) are now your new spouse. Well, this idea is also understandable but it’s not very realistic, it’s a beautiful but sentimental idea which is not holistic or progressive. Your kids are not your spouse, they won’t meet the needs that a spouse will meet, and they will eventually leave you and go on with their own lives.
C. Let it not be because of what people will say. The truth is you can’t continue to live your life based on what people will say, The annoying thing is how fickle, feeble, fleeting and insincere people’s opinion can be. For example, if it’s a man who lost his wife, people and society won’t mind if they see another lady with him in a year’s time, but if it’s a woman, eyes brows are raised and I wonder why, so my dear brother or sister, the people that are talking are happy and enjoying their own spouses in their own homes and I assure you they won’t lend you their own spouses, so if you are ready to move on, please MOVE ON. Once you do it properly and legally, let them talk if they want, don’t worry, your case will soon become stale news, they will soon find someone else to talk about. Lollll.
What I’m saying invariably this morning is this. If you are a widow or widower out there, the death of your spouse is not the end of your life maritally, your desire for companionship is still in you, it may be sleeping now cause of grief but it will eventually wake up, your need to be loved and touched are right and legitimate, don’t feel guilty about those feelings or the desire to meet them. After grieving and healing, it’s not a crime to seek love again. For goodness sake, you have been loved once, it’s perfectly fine for you to want to be loved again, it’s OK!. And if your body moves once in a while and the Giz Giz feelings comes, you are not a bad person for feeling like that, neither are you betraying your spouse’s memory nor are you unfaithful. Your loved one is dead, there are no Giz Giz in heaven, but it’s here on earth and you are still here. It’s OK to FEEL! and it’s OK to legitimately, legally and properly meet those needs when you feel you are ready to.
When you are ready, talk to God about another husband or wife and believe me, God will be excited to set you up with another person who will compensate for the past pains, I didn’t say so, God promised it when he said in his word that he will give beauty for ashes and that he will set the solitary in family again.
Finally today, if you are a widow/ widower out there who for whatever reason wants to remain single for life, it’s fine, I totally respect that stand, I only ask one favour from you, don’t make it a gospel for others and don’t encourage others to do likewise or make them feel bad for wanting more. We are all different. I will also like to add here that it’s not only young widows and widowers that has a right to move on, even elderly ones too should if they want. And please don’t be asking them that funny question “ki lo tun nwa” (what does he/she want again), “nkan ti emi ati eyin naa nwa yen, lohun naa nwa” (that same thing that you and I want, is also what he/she wants) lollll.
In few days time I will address family and society as key players in the life of widows and widowers. Shallom.
Your relationship coach – Tusky.